So, I just got back from the most wonderful institution in all of Hell... Kumon. Invented by some obsessive-compulsive, meddling, Japanese guy who was probably a bad parent, Kumon embodies all that is evil in relation to math. The geniuses who own the place I go to probably saw some opportunity with the whole franchise thing and jumped on board. Boy, were they smart. They make so much money from the $95 we have to pay per child per month. All they have to do is provide the worksheets and "help" if we need it. They hired a bunch of apathetic teens, who are supposed to know something about math, to check the sheets that we bring in every week. All the "checkers" really do is cross over everything with a red pen (checkmarks mean "wrong, do it again or die" and a big, fat zero means "all correct" ...ironic, no?) and tell you to do it over and over again while you employ the guess and check method because you don't really know how to do the problem that they are supposed to be explaining to you (an unfortunate result of Kumon... no one learns anything. It's all repetition). The whole time, you are actually contemplating the odds of dying from stab wounds or death by ink poisoning; which is quicker?

Basically, a poor unfortunate soul will go there either Sunday morning or Wednesday evening, turn in the work from the previous week, get the work for the new week, and complete one of the packets right then and there to be graded by one of the afore mentioned teens who need money (supposedly, they got through all the levels but everyone knows that's a lie. I've yet to meet someone who has done such a thing). A person will spend from 30 minutes to about 2 hours or more there (not including the commute - don't get me started on that... hello! Save gas!) just waiting to be graded, corrected, and corrected again only to find that their self esteem has been significantly lowered and their frustration with life definitely increased. Not to mention the amount of time that was wasted.

Kumon originated in Japan. It was invented by Toru Kumon (1914-1996) and somehow infiltrated America. There are various "Kumon centers" located throughout the country and because it's a franchise, the owners are given the opportunity to earn lots of cash (hence the hefty $95 that pays for bits of paper). Kumon airs commercials of smiling preschoolers on T.V. ("Practice makes perfect! See what I can do!") and sends newsletters to the centers for unwitting people to pick up. Headlines, such as "Thanks Kumon!" and "Kumon graduate receives full ride to Harvard," only represent a small, seriously misquoted number of the Kumon-burdened population. That kid got into Harvard because he was smart, not because he did Kumon. But false advertising is okay, right? Sure it is.  In fact, most kids hate Kumon. Talk to your average (read: smart child being unjustly punished), independent-thinking Kumon student (not the robots that repeat whatever their parents say) and you will see that they hate the program and would very much like to burn the building(s) down.

Kumon offers math and reading programs and their slogan is "Math + Reading = Success" and the little logo has a frowny-face on it. I'd like to modify that so it reads "Math + Reading ≠ Success." It's like stupidity to the max. The theory is, if a child does the work repetitively, their speed and accuracy will increase and they will become better students who work above their school level. What a bunch of bulls***. The Kumon levels range from A to Q for math (I don't know about reading because I don't take it, thank goodness) and there are 200 sheets per level. The sheets are stapled together to form a packet of work to be complete each day; a child could have anywhere from 2 to 10 sheets per day. 20 if their parents are buttheads (I can't believe I used that word... Kumon really messes up your brain). Every sheet has an unrealistic time limit. Finishing eight sixth-degree polynomial equations in under 5 minutes? Bulls***. I bet the teachers can't even do that, let alone a child who is already struggling with math.

Did I even mention the start of Kumon? They give you a placement test to gauge your "ability." So, when I took the placement test in 8th grade, they placed me on level A to "review basic math". 10 pages of + signs EVERY DAY. 1+1, 2+2, 1+3, 5+6 EVERY FRICKIN' DAY. Needless to say, I was pissed. When I finally got to level E (you advance levels by taking tests for accuracy and time. Because they're impossible, a child usually repeats many, many levels but still has no clue what he/she is doing) after repeating D at least 2 times (like 400+ DOUBLE-SIDED pages of work... I just stopped caring about how many problems I got wrong. I still don't care), they finally realized that their attempt to brainwash me wasn't succeeding. I was allowed to skip a few levels to G or something. Big whoop. It didn't make much of a difference. Still a waste of my life.  Just harder stuff and more tears.

This brings me to the reason why I'm here in the first place. My parents thought that I was stupid in the math department so they started me on Kumon in 8th grade. Even though I was fine (taking Algebra I and getting A's at the time), they, being the freaks that they are, signed me up for it. Since then, they've been poorer, more stressed, and more likely to die at an earlier age from all the havoc that I wreak when I go on a paper-shredding rampage. I'm taking Honors Geometry now (9th grade) and Kumon has not raised my average one bit. It's supposed to help with the SAT's but I took those and I failed miserably (in my opinion - I'm actually above the average of what people scored in my school but whatever).

What is the motive of the parents who send their darling, precious kids to Kumon? Well, other than insanity, the idea is to get ahead.  If the poor, over-worked children are above the math level of their fellow kindergarteners, that's good right? To get the little kids to do the work, they brainwash them and offer incentives, like prizes for completing a level or a sticker for getting 100%. Often times, like in my case, gifted or smart kids are sent to the place to enforce the basic skills of calculus and mixed fractions. For me (and others, I'm sure), the Kumon method does not make any sense at all and I usually have to repeat the level (multiple times) and waste more money, time, and tears. I swear!

I bet I'm dehydrated from the times I've just sat at my desk bawling over this crap. I don't believe math is supposed to make you cry. If anything, a program made to improve your math should make you feel better. All the Kumon stress combined with schoolwork, extracurricular activities, and pushy parents is enough to cause a breakdown. I've had several crying episodes that recur every several minutes, hissy-fits that cause damage, sleepless nights spent worrying about my problems due to Kumon, etc... the list goes on. It got so bad that at one point, even thinking about Kumon was enough to make me turn into a human faucet. Kumon drags my self esteem down to an all time low and shreds my brain to bits. I've literally cried when doing the worksheets while the people at Kumon looked on and told me to plow through it. Uh, hello??? I'm having a freakin' meltdown here and you want me to FINISH MY PACKET?!

Another downside to Kumon is the way my parents use it as a weapon. When they enrolled me in the program, I had no idea that they had their own secret agenda other than to torture me with + and - signs every day. I suppose they want to make sure they're getting their money's worth out of 95 f***ing dollars. If I don't finish my homework and Kumon, I can't go to the movies, get on the internet, see friends, or even attend REHEARSAL, for crying out loud. I got a special allowance these past two weeks because of the musical and my projects but look where it got me; sitting in a chair and sobbing over a friggin' piece of MATH.

This morning, I was dragged out of bed at like 10 AM on a SUNDAY (I need sleep) and driven to Kumon where I had to ask for help from the lady who owns the place with her husband. She proceeded to lecture me about formulas and about writing them down on index cards to memorize them (as if). I know she meant well but there is just no way I will ever learn to FOIL & factor some sixth-degree polynomial equation with variables and constants to their satisfaction. So, I started to cry about an hour and a half into her explanation. This was the worst public meltdown I've had yet. I mean, crying in public? I would normally never do such a thing but there I was, bursting into tears. As a result, they started me over on level J. Yay, two hours wasted and only 8 levels & 1,600 more pages to go. *hangs self*  The car ride back home was silent except for my sniffles. I was still crying when I started writing this but now I'm just livid.

Some people may ask, well, why don't you get your parents to let you quit? Pfff. Believe me, I have tried; I’ve stopped short of actually causing bodily harm either to myself or others so don’t worry. I've written lists, pleaded rationally, pleaded irrationally, defaced my Kumon boxes (the little wastes of plastic that are branded with their logo), offered excuses, thrown tantrums, slammed doors, screamed, yelled, shouted, cried, thrown things at walls, clawed at things, bit myself, and I even came up with valid reasons for discontinuing. All to no avail - I'm doomed to solve for x and y in all the quadratic equations for the millionth time.

Kumon is hard. I admit it. It's not that I'm stupid or trying to make excuses; it's just plain hard. The method is completely irrational. It's ROTE LEARNING, for crying out loud. You know what "rote" means? "The use of memory usually with little intelligence" ...memorization for idiots? Yeah, that sounds right. Kumon doesn't teach concepts. I doubt an AP student could do these problems that they're throwing at 8th graders. I learn more at school, than I do here (bonus! No paying $95 to be taught how to cross multiply! Oh wait, Kumon doesn't even teach simple things like CROSS MULTIPLYING. Only trigonometry and polynomial factorization ). And to think, Kumon is supposed to help me get ahead. Ha. I get left behind more and more every day. The time I use for Kumon could easily be spent writing that English essay I had to put off or going the extra mile for my biology work. So much for improving school grades.

Must I waste about half of my life staring at the packets and crying my poor eyes out when I could be doing something more productive?  Someone please destroy Kumon for the good of the world and for future generations of innocent children. I would be forever grateful. Wow, this whole blog entry could make a decent essay. Maybe I'll call it "Kumon: the long-term effects" and I could become one of those inspirational speakers who crusade against all forms of cruelty and oppression.

Until next time, mes chers.

Aww, poor you. *hug* Your parents are really evil, though I can understand why they like the method--it's just like school in the East. *shudder* Hope you manage to finish/get out of Kumon soon.

I am starting to get the notion that you do not enjoy Kumon. Would that be a correct assessment?

No really. What do you think? Kumon should roast in Hell.

YOU SAID IT!!! im busting my brain cells! im in 10th grade whiose gonna be doing grade 11 math next semester (b/c of IB) and those kumon bastards gave me grade 6 fractions just becasue i messed up a few pages on level I!! im trying to quit but my stubborn parents wont let me! what a waste of money im not learning anything! those bazillion worsheets are incredibly tedious and getting me nowhere!! all those creeps want is money! they make you repeat so much useless crap over and over so that youll go there longer thus get them more money!! they make me feel (and treat me) like im braindead!!!

f*** kumon for eternity