Finally! Tonight is the orchestra concert. This means that I won't have to touch my violin ever again once tonight is over. As I said to my friends today, "if you see me spear myself with my bow, don't worry, keep playing. The concert must go on."  After playing all these years, I hate it so much. I quit. In honor of the good times *gag* that I've had, I'm posting this parody of the day I spent at Stringfest, a gathering of talented string players chosen by their instructors. Names have been changed to protect the innocent and footnotes are at the bottom.

STRINGFEST 2006

CONDUCTOR: Hi! I’m Bob. Bob Straiton. From California. Phfff! You don’t know it but I’ve conducted orchestras before.
KAREN: Did someone say STRAIGHT(1)?
EVERYONE: Hi! We’re musically talented.
CONDUCTOR: G MAJOR SCALE NOW!
EVERYONE: *totally kicks butt*
CONDUCTOR: Let’s play Entrance of the Queen of Sheba! It’s a grand processional!
EVERYONE: Your point is…?
CONDUCTOR: What time period is this from?
RANDOM KID: Classical.
CONDUCTOR: It’s Baroque.
STACY: *at the same time* It’s Baroque, you idiots.
KAREN: Even I knew that. *pause* Hey! *looks back at Stacy* Look who’s talking!
EVERYONE: *kicks butt at Entrance of the Queen of Sheba*
CONDUCTOR: *interrupts* Phfff! *spits all over viola section* Differentiate!
STACY and KAREN: *raise eyebrows/eyebrow*
CONDUCTOR: Spell “differentiate.”
EVERYONE: *dutifully spells the word*
STACY: WTF? I thought the spelling bee was over.
KAREN: OMG, MENORAH(2).
CONDUCTOR: *spit* I LOVE YOU, VIOLAS(3)!
VIOLAS: …ok.
CONDUCTOR: Now I want you to differentiate.
EVERYONE: *dutifully differentiates*
CONDUCTOR: Look at the song. What do you notice?
EVERYONE: *dutifully answering* Dynamics.
CONDUCTOR: What’s it called?
EVERYONE: *dutifully trying to engage in college-level thinking*
MR. B(4): I’m so proud!
STACY and KAREN: THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
CONDUCTOR: TERRACE DYNAMICS. Take note, I’m going to sound like a broken record.
EVERYONE: *dutifully taking notes*
STACY: STOP IT, YOU SUCK-UPS.
REST OF THE SONG: *goes something like this* Entra—(stop!)—nce of—(no!)—the Que—(softer!)—en of She—(louder!)—ba. (START OVER!)
STACY and KAREN: Make up your mind.
CONDUCTOR: Moving on. The sooner we get this done, the sooner we get to Stamitz(5).
KAREN’S CURIOSITY: *wants to ask* Are you male?
KAREN: Are you m—
KAREN’S BRAIN: Abort! Abort! Abort!
KAREN: —making us do this in pianissimo?
CONDUCTOR: Consirdo in D!
KAREN: Um, it’s concerto.
CONDUCTOR: I want three down bows, ok? DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. Gimmee your violin.
ANNA: Get away from me, you creep. *surrenders violin*
CONDUCTOR: *demonstrates without breaking violin*
ANNA: *sigh of relief*
EVERYONE: We get the point.
EVERYONE’S DOWN BOWS: *kick butt*
CONDUCTOR: Phfff! I see beautiful down bows there! Stand up!
ANNA and OTHER PEOPLE: *kick butt*
EVERYONE’S DOWN BOWS: *kick a** this time*
CONDUCTOR: Now to Country Wedding. It’s a happy country wedding!
EVERYONE: That’s sorta implied…*kicks butt*
CONDUCTOR: It sounds flubby. Give it daylight!
EVERYONE: *plays*
CONDUCTOR: Play at letter C! This is the joyous part!
EVERYONE: *plays*
CONDUCTOR: Letter C! The happy part!
EVERYONE: *plays*
CONDUCTOR: Again! Rejoice!
STACY: I’m willing to buy a new record.
CONDUCTOR: DIFFERENTIATE!
KAREN: Yay, something new! WAIT. NO!
CONDUCTOR: Break time!
EVERYONE: *celebrates*
NICE PEOPLE WITH COOKIES: Food for all!
EVERYONE: YAY!
SOME OTHER RANDOM KID: *spills drink* S***! It’s your fault!
RANDOM KID’S FRIEND: F*** you.
EVERYONE: *stares*
STACY: Idiot.
NOT-SO-NICE PEOPLE: Break over. Find your seats.
RED(6): *has gotten first chair*
AUBREY: Die, Red.
STACY: *is stuck in the back* You know the world’s coming to an end when…
MRS. M(7): *is proud anyway*
CONDUCTOR: Now let’s go to Stamitz.
EVERYONE: What?
CONDUCTOR: Sinfonia in D, CHILDREN.
MRS. L( : Did someone say CHILDREN?
CONDUCTOR: Phfff! I *heart* Stamitz.
EVERYONE: This is Baroque isn’t it?
CONDUCTOR: No! *gives history, starring Stamitz with Baroque and Classical in a love affair*
EVERYONE: *backs away slowly*
CONDUCTOR: Phfff! What do you notice?
EVERYONE: Terrace dynam—?
CONDUCTOR: *interrupts* No! MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER(9). Haven’t you heard of it?
EVERYONE: No.
STACY, KAREN, and ANNA: Joy(10).
CONDUCTOR: You poor under-privileged CHILDREN. Phfff! *gives history* Did you notice the solo?
EVERYONE: Yes, we can read even if we’re CHILDREN.
KAREN: Watch me mess up.
KAREN’S STAND PARTNER: *freaks out* NO! DON’T!
KAREN: *kicks butt*
NICE PEOPLE: Break!
AUBREY and STACY: *gossiping loudly about Red*
STACY: She got first chair— *cuts off*
RED: *walks by*
STACY: Whoops.
AUBREY and STACY: *contain laughter*
RED: *doesn’t notice*
AUBREY and STACY: *laugh loudly*
NOT-SO-NICE PEOPLE: Break over.
CONDUCTOR: NO FOLK TUNE(11).
EVERYONE: YOU M*****F*****—
STACY: tsk, tsk. You people need anger management classes with my sister.
EVERYONE: *sob* ON STRIKE!
CONDUCTOR: *spit* Phfff! I *heart* the cello part of Fiddle Dance! It sounds like a sailor song.
STACY: ‘Cause you’re a drunken sailor?
KAREN: STOP SPITTING.
RAFAEL: Canon in D(12)!
CONDUCTOR: Jump Jive an’ Wail!
EVERYONE: *wails*
CONDUCTOR: BOP-BA DO DOP, BOP, BOP. *stamps foot* SING WITH ME!
EVERYONE: *unenthusiastic singing*
CONDUCTOR: *is tone deaf* Again!
EVERYONE: *pretends to sing*
CONDUCTOR: Swing it!
EVERYONE: Uh…
CONDUCTOR: *can’t hit high notes*
EVERYONE: *dies*
CONDUCTOR: What?
EVERYONE: *is resurrected* NOOO! SEND US BACK!
ALTERNATE ENDING(13): *totally sucks*
CONDUCTOR: Phfff! You learned that faster than my adult orchestras!
EVERYONE: Your adults were mental patients and we will be when we’re done with you.
CONDUCTOR: Well, CHILDREN, I’ll give you a dollar if you tell me what we’ve been going over for the last millennium and a half.
EVERYONE: NOTHING, because we’re musically talented.
LUCKY GIRL: Dynamics?
CONDUCTOR: Good job!
[UN]LUCKY GIRL: *gets counterfeit dollar*
MRS. B(14): Isn’t he great?
AUBREY, STACY, and KAREN (A.S.K): What’ve you been smoking?
NICE PEOPLE: Lunch time!
CONDUCTOR: *disappears*
EVERYONE: *is in heaven*
A.S.K: *chitter chatter during lunch*
CONDUCTOR: *comes back after lunch*
EVERYONE: *goes back to hell*
FINAL REHERSAL: *is terrible*
CONDUCTOR: *thinks he can conduct*
MR. A(15): I was so much better.
STACY and KAREN: …
CONDUCTOR: *stands still*
UNLUCKY GIRL #2: *puts down her violin*
CONDUCTOR: *waves arms frantically*
UNLUCKY GIRL #2: S***!
CONDUCTOR: *bobs his hand up and down with no sense of rhythm*
STACY: You have a stick in your hand! Use it, and use it PROPERLY!
JUMP JIVE AN’ WAIL: *is really bad*
CONDUCTOR: *yells in the middle* Yeah!
STACY and KAREN: SHUT UP!
NICE PEOPLE: Dinner!
EVERYONE: Yay! Food!
AUBREY and KAREN: *need to spit out their gum* Where’s the trash can? *spot a can*
GUM: *plunk*
CAN WITH “ALUMINUM” WRITTEN ON THE SIDE: Can’t you read?
AUBREY and KAREN: Whoops.
STACY: *laughs hysterically*
A.S.K: *eat pizza and celery*
CELERY EATERS: *burn calories*
ANNA: *sits with Red*
AUBREY: *glares*
NICE PEOPLE: Time to change!
CHANGING ROOM: *is crowded*
A.S.K: *are smart enough to try and find a bathroom to change in*
CREEPY LADY: Change in the changing room.
A.S.K: We’re finding a bathroom.
CREEPY LADY: No one will see you.
A.S.K: We need to use the bathroom.
CREEPY LADY: Go and change in the changing room. NOW.
A.S.K: *run away*
A.S.K: *gossip in the bathroom*
BATHROOM: *gets crowded by other people*
A.S.K: *go back to the changing room*
CREEPY LADY: You’re back!
A.S.K: *run for cover*
AUBREY: *has fascination with Stacy’s makeup*
STACY: *needs makeup back*
AUBREY: *glares at Red* Red, you die.
STACY’S VIOLIN: *dies*
STACY: S***!
EVERYONE: *is back on stage*
NOT-SO-NICE PEOPLE: We had enough money left over to get you medals(16)!
STACY: THAT WE PAID FOR.
NOT-SO-NICE PEOPLE: Picture time!
EVERYONE: No! The light! Blindness!
PICTURE GUY: *is old and creepy*
PICTURE GUY’S JOKES: *are lame*
PICTURE GUY: 1, 2… *doesn’t say “3”*
CAMERA: *flash*
STACY: Hey! That wasn’t fair! No warning!
PICTURE GUY: *lies* One more! *has no control over camera*
EVERYONE: …and you’re being paid for this?
CAMERA: *click*
STACY and KAREN: *are blocked by a microphone and/or someone’s head*
CAMERA: *snap*
RED: *is looking in wrong direction*
AUBREY: REVENGE.
CONCERT: *starts*
NOT-SO-NICE PEOPLE: *give long speeches about the well being of children*
STACY and KAREN: Wasians(17).
RED: *does fake tuning*
STACY: My violin actually is out of tune.
STACY’S VIOLIN: *hanging on for dear life*
CONDUCTOR: *comes out late*
CONCERT: *is terrible*
CONDUCTOR: *feels the need to make speeches in between every song* Phfff! *spit*
KAREN: I’m right here.
EVERYONE: *is forced to stand up but not bow after every song*
RED: *stands up at the wrong time*
AUBREY: My life’s purpose is complete!
CONDUCTOR: *shakes Red’s hand*
AUBREY: NOOO! *plots murder* Is the tip of my bow sharp enough?
VOICE IN AUBREY’S HEAD: Strangle her with the E string.
CONDUCTOR: *is too close to microphone* Here on the continent of England…
STACY: Since when is England a continent? We’re not even in New England.
CONDUCTOR: Phfff! *talks about Mardi Gras, programs, and California as if they are related*
EVERYONE: *falls asleep*
AUDIENCE (PARENTS): We’re here to see our CHILDREN, not YOU.
CONDUCTOR: *loud, audible whisper* Remember to differentiate! 1 & 2 & LET’S GO!
JUMP JIVE AN’ WAIL: *is unrecognizable*
CONDUCTOR: *makes closing speech* Phfff! *spits into microphone*
STACY: What is this, English class?
KAREN: No, the apocalypse.
CONCERT: *ends*
NOT-SO-NICE PEOPLE: Get off the stage.
YET ANOTHER RANDOM KID: It’s over!
RANDOM KID’S STRING: *breaks and dies*
STACY’S VIOLIN: Join the club.
ADORING FANS (PARENTS): *somewhere in the background* YOU WERE AWESOME! YOU SOUNDED GREAT! WE GOT A CD!
A.S.K: *graffiti board* Whatever. Bye!

Footnotes:
(1) Karen’s hair is naturally curly. She constantly talks about how much she hates her hair and wants it to be straight.
(2) Karen was runner-up to a 6th grader who got the word “menorah” as the winning word of our school spelling bee.
(3) Apparently he plays viola …? Seriously deranged.
(4) Weird old science teacher who couldn’t teach, but loved that we used “college-level thinking.” In 6th grade, no less.
(5) Composer of Sinfonia in D. Straiton was seriously obsessed.
(6) “Red,” as we called her, was Aubrey’s annoying stand partner in some other orchestra. You know those people who try too hard? Yeah, that would be her. What a freak.
(7) The Queen B**** private violin teacher who is only nice when she feels like it… which is never. To her credit, she did teach me to play well.
( Director of the Children’s Chorus that I’m in.
(9) A term in music that means steadily get louder. Not exactly like a crescendo, but close.
(10) Inside joke. We had to play an arrangement of Joy to the World by Mannheim Steamroller (the band).
(11) Folk Tune was possibly the best song. We weren’t allowed to play it. Needless to say, we were pissed.
(12) Inside joke. Canon in D was a song he liked a lot and wanted to play.
(13) He replaced the real ending with a sucky alternate ending. He took out the whole last page. What a waste.
(14) She is our somewhat eccentric strings director at school.
(15) He was our oh-so-fabulous *cough*not*hack* strings teacher in elementary school. Thank goodness he retired.
(16) We did pay a $30 entrance fee. Where’d that money go?
(17) Inside joke. Term a friend and I made up for “wannabe Asians” –not intended to be offensive.

Hope you enjoyed it! Give some feedback!